Monday, August 8, 2016

Questions and Answers

I used to ask my grandmother a lot of questions. I never really got very good answers from her but I continued to ask. I did not, however, ask any follow-up questions, in spite of the fact that I never understood her responses. Many of the answers, frankly, just didn't make sense.
After counting the number of chairs around the table and the number of people waiting to eat, doing some quick calculations to determine we were down a chair, I asked Grandma, "Where am I going to sit?" (Funny that I assumed I would be the odd man out!)
"Where am I going to sit?" I asked. "Well, you could always sit on my thumb", she replied.
On a particularly boring afternoon I asked, "What can I do today?" She said, "Well, you could go to the garden and eat a worm."
Again, what?! (I don't think we actually had a garden and she knew I would never touch a worm let alone eat it! In fairness, though, I did drink from a mud puddle once on the assumption it would taste like chocolate milk.)(It didn't.)
"Grandma, why don't you like bananas?" "Oh, I like bananas", she said, "Bananas don't like me!"
How was that possible? How could bananas not like my grandma?!?! I mean, she said weird sh*t from time to time, but why would bananas care about that? It was no reason not to like her!! Overall I thought she was pretty awesome.
Stupid bananas.
Most of the "Why?" questions were answered with, "I'll tell you when you're Lori's age." Lori was our neighbor whom I assumed was about 10 or 12 but was apparently thirty-something because I never did get those particular answers. I'm sure Lori is full of excellent information, now that I think about it.
My mother always told me to stop scowling - my face was going to get stuck that way. I didn't think I was actually scowling, I was just confused all the time. If she and my grandmother would start making some sense, I wouldn't have to scowl. And, by the way, my face didn't actually get stuck that way, although it does slip into that position on an embarrassingly regular basis.
So, of all the questions I did ask my grandma, all the bizarre answers she provided, and all the answers she evaded, I never asked the most important question of all, "What the hell are you talking about?!?!"
I'm going to go find Lori.